I’m addicted to movies. I love them. I’m fascinated by watching characters develop and overcome obstacles to achieve their dreams. I love watching the relationship between the different characters and how no one person achieves their goal by themselves, there are always others involved. But it’s always hard, there’s always a struggle – usually with other people – and there’s always pain. Relationship with others is messy and takes real time and effort. Is it worth it?
I love maths. There are rules and formulas. Things are proven or disproven. Everything has an answer. Nothing just is. No matter how complicated or messy an equation, some bright spark has the answer, even if its not you.
I’ve often thought that I’d like life to be like maths; formulas that work and an understanding that everything has an answer – whether easy or not. The problem is that you can’t tell a very good story with maths. People don’t come to watch it or generally have any desire to join you in it. It’s pretty boring to be honest.
So I find myself more intrigued by the unpredictability and drama of life. A friend once offered to write a comic of my life; filling up the chapters with my endless dramatic twists and turns. I wasn’t really sure if that was a good or a bad thing…I’m still not. Drama didn’t feel good, it felt painful and messy. I wanted to eliminate risk in my life and stop leaning on people who weren’t 100% reliable. I think that would have left me completely friendless.
But I suppose the fact that I don’t know how things will turn out keeps life interesting. The fact that I have to work hard on relationships and constantly be thoughtful keeps me on my toes. Nothing just happens in life, everything has to be worked at. Sacrifices and compromises need to be made. There is a need to risk things and hope for things and get things wrong.
I love life – I love relationships and friends and the dynamics between people. I love how some people make you laugh and others make you cry, some make life that much better and others make life just a little harder. I love that people have such a huge effect on each other. What we do and what we don’t do for others matters. Profoundly matters. People are funny things; you can’t stake everything on them because they were never designed to fulfil that, but stake too little on others and life becomes a dull blend of greys and you learn very little. You miss out on the best in life.
So, to all you friends of mine: Thank you for making my life that much more colourful by being in it. Thanks for teaching me, correcting me, journeying with me and loving me regardless.